Humans are social animals !

 

And yet, our ways of life, especially in our Western societies, often lead to loneliness.

 

For millennia, humans have been structured around close and constraining bonds, which gave little room for individuality, and therefore solitude. It was not until Western modernity that solitude became frequent, even epidemic experience.

 

In the United States, 22% of adults suffer from chronic loneliness, which is more than people who smoke or have diabetes. In Quebec, one-third of households are made up of single persons. And one in twelve people say they have no friends. Loneliness affects all strata of society.

 

 

The two forms of solitude

 

There are two forms of solitude. The first is social solitude which refers to having almost no interpersonal contact. This is called isolation, a state that is often accompanied by a feeling of exclusion.

 

Emotional loneliness, on the other hand, refers to the absence of quality intimate emotional ties, even if the person has a social network.

 

 

Impact of loneliness on health

 

Loneliness is a real public health problem. It is similar to an experience of stress, a state that increases chronic diseases (cardiovascular disease, dementia, depression). People with lonliness also have a higher risk of fragmented sleep, anxiety, outbursts of anger, emotional dependance, paranoia and suicide.

 

Addiction problems are also fueled by loneliness. One of the founding members of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) said that loneliness is at the root of alcoholism.

 

 

 

Finally, lonelier people live shorter lives. Social support would also be the most important protective factor in terms of our life expectancy.

 

 

The couple and the family

 

Because of the social support they provide, the couple and the family are very highly valued in our society. Therefore, the marital relationship is highly valued compared to celibacy, provided that the couple is built on love. The difficulty of achieving this cultural ideal paradoxically makes commitment anxiety-provoking and unions increasingly fragile. As a result, in recent years, the proportion of single adults has been steadily increasing.

 

For their part, people who are in a relationship have high expectations of their partner, which represents often their main bulwark against loneliness.

 

 

Even more than the couple, the family is perceived today as the last bastion of social ties in an anonymous and competitive world. The last space of unconditional and selfless solidarity, the last protective net.  

 

 

Loneliness in the elderly

 

As we get older, the risk of being isolated becomes greater. Co-workers lose touch. The family is shrinking. Friends move away. Neighbors move less often. Isolation is also a consequence of cumulative disabilities. Isolation is also a consequence of a cultural attitude: some settings are more willing to care for older adults than others (community culture versus individualistic culture).

 

On the other hand, some people placed in residences for the elderly suffer in silence. They isolate themselves in their room, they let themselves go, they eat very little, they have no appetite. They hardly move anymore and spend most of their time dozing in bed. The entourage thinks that this lack of reaction is related to the disease whereas the cause is in the very fact of the placement, in loneliness and the feeling of being rejected, of no longer counting for anyone, a feeling that makes you lose the desire to live.

 

Finally, suicide among the elderly, the most violent consequence of isolation, is a global problem. In Quebec, out of 1000 reported suicides each year, 13% were committed by the elderly.

 

 

The shame associated with loneliness

 

It would seem that lonely people have difficulty asking others for help. Indeed, there is shame associated with loneliness. When we are alone, we tend to put our attention on ourselves and not on others, that way we are certain that we are safe. When we suffer of chronic lonliness, it reduces our self-esteem. We tell ourselves that we are alone because we are not lovable. Others ask themselves '' Why you don't meet friends ?' '' But when we understand the loneliness mechanism, shame associated to loneliness, we realize that the vicious circle is not easy to break.

 

 

Avoid loneliness

 

People that fear loneliness can avoid it by various ways. In the first instance, they can avoid all the times they find themselves alone, searching to overload on a daily basis with numerous relations or activities. They can also avoid any moment of introspection.

 

In more severe cases, certain people can develop dependencies to avoid loneliness. This fear is not directly that of loneliness, but really to find oneself facing difficult emotions like boredom, anxiety, sadness, anger, emptiness and abandonment. Certain people are also going to tolerate toxic relationships in order not to find oneself alone.

 

 

 

Self-alienation

 

The continual escape from loneliness can engender a particular form of suffering: self-alienation. The person can no longer be able to get in touch with herself and to know who she is. She can no longer identify her tastes, needs and aspirations. Self-alienation also increases emotional lonliness. Indeed, when it is impossible to get in touch with oneself, it is impossible to create authentic interpersonal relationships.

 

 

How to tame lonliness and better discover one's inner self ?

 

• Writing: Writing enables to visualize on paper what we feel and what we think. For example, you can write down all the experiences that you would like to have, the dreams and goals you would like to accomplish, without censoring yourself. In asking yourself afterwards what is preventing you from accomplishing what you have identified, you will realize that it is often fear of the judgment of others that prevents you from taking action. Take advantage of these moments of solitude to become aware that you are the only person responsible to create your life, and the one better placed to know what you really need.

 

 

• Take stock of your relationships: Moments of solitude can be used to revisit your relationships in order to make them more nourishing. Think about your needs first, your wishes or what makes you unsatisfied in a relationship. Ask yourself what is the value and the meaning that you give to this particular relationship. This would allow you to identify possible solutions you can discuss with the other so that your relationship could be more satisfying. Being actively involved in enriching a relationship allows you to develop deeper, more intimate and often more lasting bonds. Thus, this makes it possible to feel less lonely. This moment of reflection can also lead you to end a relationship which no longer corresponds to what you want to live.

 

• Doing personal activities: In the beginning, it can be difficult or also uncomfortable to do activities alone. You can therefore start to get used to doing it gradually. Different activities can allow you to enrich your moments of solitude. Playing sports, reading or going to the movies are ways to actively approach loneliness. To dedicate yourself to the deveopment of your artistic talent is a good way to live a positive experience in solitude. Take your time in doing something which you have wanted to do from a long time like planning a project or a trip.

 

 

Paths to go towards others

 

• Provoke encounters: Signing up for activities to meet new people can enrich your social network. When you suffer from solitude, but you do not want to bother the others, dare to call or go visit a loved one. You have to sometimes take risks to answer to your needs. Create connections with people who are geographically close is easier.

 

 

 

• Get involved in social life in your workplace or study environment: Getting involved allows you to meet new people while developing your social skills and strengths.

 

• Volunteer in the community: This would allow you to evolve in other social spheres and multiply your meetings. Finding yourself useful also increases your self-confidence that would dare you to go to others.

 

• Consult a counsellor: This would enable you to develop your personal resources. For example, understanding the causes of your isolation and diminish the suffering linked to solitude, overcoming fears, developing social and communication skills, having a realistic perception of yourself, developing habits that promote the creation of links with others, increasing your self-esteem.

 

• Giving service: This enables you to decenter yourself and go towards the other in a positive way. We add value to someone else's life. There are a number of ways to be of service. For example, call a friend that is living through difficult things, visiting an elderly neighbor, help a work colleague that is having a bad day, listen deeply to someone.

 

 

Conclusion

 

Loneliness is a real public health problem at every age of life and particularly in the elderly.

 

Social support, on the contrary, is the number one protective factor in relation to our life expectancy. This is why we value the couple and the family in our society.

 

Shame is also associated with solitude. Many want to avoid it at all cost, at the risk of alienating themselves.

 

Fortunately, on the individual level, there exists various ways both to tame loneliness and to reach out to others. You should also know that maintaining your social network requires efforts and discipline.

 

Nevertheless the public authorities have an important role to play in the fight against loneliness. Therefore, it is preferable that our elected officials understand people not as isolated beings, but as social beings who are inscribed in bonds and belongings.

 

Politicians must also make every effort to create social ties, for example by giving all the necessary resources to community organizations. In particular, ensure that the community sector is no longer underfunded.

 

And why not create a ministry of solitude like in the United Kingdom ?