Growing old requires mourning, giving up and accepting not doing as much as in our youth. To age well is therefore an art that requires wisdom and letting go.

 

In this series of articles, I will introduce the testimony of seniors with an inspiring journey. Seniors who “surf” with balance on the waves of life. The goal would be to pay tribute to seniors and give a positive perspective of aging.

 

For my first article of this series, I chose to interview my mother, Sylvie, a fighter at heart but also a wise person.

 

I will talk about her atypical journey, the obstacles she has gone through, her evolution and what she is most proud of. I will also talk about her values as well as her occupations and what she does to stay healthy.

 

Without further ado, here is Sylvie.

 

 

Her atypical journey

 

My mother, who is 73 years old, is a woman of an atypical journey. She first completed a Bachelor of Arts degree at McGill University, then she did salmon fishing in northern British Columbia near Alaska with her first husband (my father). She had her first child (me), after which she decided to stop salmon fishing. She later separated from my father.

 

Since her Bachelor of Arts degree did not give her a teaching attestation and neither earn a living, she started a Bachelor degree in teaching French as a second language at UQAM. That’s where she met her second husband with whom she had a second child. Presently, she is separated from her second husband.

 

Afterwards, Sylvie worked close to 25 years in francization with adults for the ministry of immigration. Since 2016, she is retired but she does occasional replacements.

 

 

My mother describes her journey in this way: “I juggled with two children with a 13 year difference, with two different fathers, and I was working at the same time, it was rock and roll. Let’s say that my life hasn’t been a bed of roses ''.

 

Contrary to her sisters and some of her friends, that married, have a home, and have practically always lived at the same place, my mother separated two times, rented and moved many times.

 

“A lot of people around me have a journey with their husband, buy a home in the suburbs, buy two cars, but I never followed the crowd. Lately, I read something that made me think. In the article, the journalist said that in our culture, buying a home is a sign of social success. If you did not buy a home, it’s as if you did not socially succeed. I have always been against that.”

 

Sylvie does not like capitalism and materialistic values “because when you are in a comfort zone, you are less conscious of injustices, that there are people for example that are looking for accommodation”.

 

On the other hand, my mother made the choice to live without a husband, but she has a solid network of friends.

 

 

Obstacles that she encountered in her life

 

In her life, my mother encountered certain obstacles. Thus, her young brother committed suicide at the age of 21, and six months after her father died from kidney cancer. On the other hand, there’s the fact that her older daughter (me) fell mentally ill in 2011. This event was very painful and continues to be so today.

 

Sylvie also went through a failed relationship with her second husband: “I think that I was wrong, I stayed with him but I didn’t feel like it, I felt that he was not the good husband, I would force myself to be with him, but I was not well”. Obviously, the separation with her first husband was also difficult but “they were at different places in their lives”.

 

My mother is proud that she was able to come out of it despite the pitfalls and despite that her life was not easy.

 

 

Her evolution

 

My mother considers that she has evolved a lot. She is not the same person she was when she was young. She used to be more egocentric and she finds that she has gotten wiser as she is getting older: “Before, I was always looking for a fight. But you have to choose your fights, accept things don’t always turn out how you wish they did”.

 

Sylvie is more compassionate towards herself: “I did a driving error earlier on. I wanted to turn left when I did not have the right and all the cars behind me started honking. Before, I would have been full of shame. Now, I tell myself that it’s alright to make mistakes and I forgive myself”.

 

Throughout her life, my mother worked a lot on herself “because I do not feel like aging in a bad way”. So, since a few years, she practices Buddhist-inspired meditation, which helps her with her emotions and behaviour.

 

 

Since she was 40 years old, Sylvie writes in her journal to feel better and to work on herself: “I write a lot when I’m very upset, I am a very emotional person, sometimes I have to stop and calm myself. When I write, it helps in distancing myself.”

 

In the context of when I became mentally ill, my mother received support from a psychosocial worker: “I call her and she helps me, I feel better after having spoken with her. She helps me in my relationship with my children and it reflects positively on my other relationships in my life.”

 

 

What she is most proud of

 

Sylvie is very proud of her girls. Even if they lived big challenges in their lives and they have an atypical journey, they are doing very well.

 

“When we are in a mold, we follow a journey that society imposes on us. We live according to established rules, without asking ourselves questions. We buy a home, two cars, and we surround ourselves with comfort and we become more and more alienated from the people who suffer and that have to fight. When we have an atypical journey, we live according to our personal values and we know ourselves better.”

 

 

Her values

 

Social justice and the environment are important values for my mother. She does not like individual values “I am part of the catalyst committee in Lasalle (whose aim is to develop the community life) because community and solidarity between neighbors are important for me.” Sylvie advocates solidarity, cooperation and mutual aid. According to her, it is important to communicate well our needs and not to be scared to ask for help.

 

 

Her occupations

 

Since she retired, my mother divided her life in three areas: creativity, spirituality and the outdoors. On a creativity level, she started a small micro-macramé jewelry business, which she makes herself. On a spiritual level, she attends occasionally the Rigpa Buddhist meditation center. With regards to the outdoors, Sylvie integrates hiking in her everyday life.

 

To make extra money, she made herself available during the week to do teaching replacements. Since she has less energy than before and since her work is demanding, she plans to gradually reduce her days of availability.

 

On the weekends, Sylvie is registered in a pilates course and a yoga course. She keeps busy also with errands, cooking, cleaning and takes care of her plants (she also has a strong interest in trees and plants).

 

My mother is satisfied with her routine but she finds that sometimes she does a lot: “Maybe I push myself because there is an existential void in me”.

 

 

What she does to keep herself healthy

 

Overall, Sylvie has good life habits. To stay healthy, she eats well, she gets up early, she exercises and practically does not drink alcohol.

 

 

Aging

 

My mother has good cognitive abilities, but she notices that with old age, she forgets things more. On a physical level, she is more tired than before and she recovers less quickly. On a mental level, she feels more anxious than before and endures less stress.

 

Her fears with respect to aging are: death, the fear of not being independent and needing help, not being able to live by herself and being placed in a CHSLD. To overcome her fears, her refuge is nature because it allows her to be in the present.

 

 

Concerning her fear of death, she talks about it at the Buddhist Rigpa meditation center. She already did meditations regarding death and she also has the Tibetan book of life and death. To diminish her anguish about facing death, Sylvie has already done her funeral prearrangements; there is only her funeral urn left to make.

 

 

Why do I think my mother is a senior with an inspiring journey?

 

My mother is a senior with an inspiring journey because she succeeded keeping her head above water despite all the hardships she has been through. She is tough facing life’s obstacles and she calls on nature and social support to help her. She always finds ways to overcome her fears. My mother is a woman that works a lot on herself and she wants to constantly improve herself.

 

What strikes me, is to what extent her life is balanced (creativity, spirituality, outdoors). She also does several actions to stay healthy (meditation, nutrition, exercise).

 

 

Her atypical journey made her stronger and more creative. Since she doesn’t “fit the mold”, my mother, a free thinker, lives according to her deep convictions and values.

 

 

My mother: an immensely significant person in my life

 

Along with my father, my mother was and still is the most significant person in my life. She took care of me with kindness from my birth until today. She took care of my education and my personal development. She offered me good coaching and a listening ear when I was experiencing difficulties. My mother was always present in times of transition and moments of doubt. She was always concerned of doing the right thing.

 

With the arrival of bipolar in my life, I became even closer to my mother because I needed some support in the accomplishment of my daily activities. My mother helped me get back on my feet after every episode of my illness. She encouraged me in my projects, helping me to keep my feet on the ground. She greatly contributed to my recovery. She has even become involved in the cause of mental health to counter the stigma. My mother went to an organization that gives support to family members of people with mental health issues. This organization helps her take care of herself while helping me.

 

All told, my mother is immensely significant in my life, because despite our respective faults and despite our occasional bickering, we remain united. For me, my mother is a model of resilience, balance and assertiveness.